Washington, D.C. (FFF blog) – On the heels of yesterday’s passage of the fair wages bill, the League of American Wives (the LAW) has today announced that they plan a large scale cutback on sexual activities within American marriages. Suzie Chapman, spokeswoman for the LAW claims, “as a result of American men now being forced to receive the same measly earnings that the ladies do, we feel it is important that they have as much energy as possible so that they can do more work. To further those efforts, we are recommending a full-scale reduction on sexual activities for all American wives.” It is thought that in many cases across the country, husbands will notice very little impact from the reductions. In other cases, this announcement could lead to very tough marital choices. John Duncan, of Plano, Texas and a married man of 20 years said, “If Jenny cuts back any further on our activities, I suppose that means I will be forced to choose between Valentine’s Day and our anniversary. That will be an extremely tough choice.” Government officials believe that the cutbacks should have no impact on activities at the White House, noting that any Presidential hanky panky was effectively eliminated with the choice to allow the ‘first mother-in-law’ to maintain residence at the White House.
In a related story, the Female Gold-diggers Union and male software engineers across the country have indicated that the fair wage act will essentially eliminate any desire or ability for members from either of these group to have sex with the opposite gender.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Reverend Jay McGwire
Hopefully you saw the latest Mark McGwire story. Who knew that his brother was a closet tele-vangelist? In case you did not see this, his estranged brother Jay McGwire has written a scandulous book about Mark's use of steroids. First of all, how interesting could this really be? I mean, it is clear to everyone with a decent set of eyes that he used steroids, so what is there to read about really? Anyway, when asked about why he was doing this, Jay McGwire responded by saying, "My bringing the truth to surface about Mark is out of love. I want Mark to live in truth to see the light, to come to repentance so he can live in freedom - which is the only way to live." Amen reverend, amen. When I saw this on the ESPN scroll tonight, I hit repeat on my DVR like 4 times. I mean, wow, somehow this guy we have never even heard about before just went totally Benny Hinn on his own brother. The truth shall set you free Mark, the truth shall set you free. Meanwhile, if the rest of us want to 'see the light', the book will be available soon at all major retailers. And if the book does not make him enough money, expect to see him on late night TV really soon.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
It's the Hall of Freaking Fame, Not the Hall of Pretty Good
Anyone who can stand to spend time around me will hear this phrase come out, "It's the Hall of Freaking Fame, not the hall of pretty good". I pull it out this time of year frequently when they announce who is in and not in to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Every year there are the "for sure" former professionals that get in and nobody really questions their credentials. This year it was Rickey Henderson. Believe me laughable part of this process is coming up. In addition to the "for sure" guys there are always the pretty good players that prompt my infamous line from before. This year that pretty good player was Jim Rice.
Now let me be the first to admit that determining who gets into the Hall of Fame is a somewhat tricky task, especially when you are asked to decide on someone who played before you were even born. The system by which individuals are picked to the Hall of Fame is as mixed up as you would think it is. First, you have to be a member of the baseball writers association for over 10 years and must have covered baseball continually for at least that amount of time. That secures your life long vote on who gets in and who doesn't. Even after you retire from writing you keep your vote. That brings me to the next issue I have with the voting. As a former professional you are alloted a 15 year window duirng which you have the ability to achieve Hall of Fame status by receiving 75% of the vote. 15 YEARS!!!! If a guy is a hall of famer why should it take 5, 6, 11 or 15 years to confirm his status. Either a guy is a hall of famer or he isn't. Is a baseball player who has been retired 5 years any better 6 years removed from the game than 10? Which brings me mercifully to the subject of this post, Mr. Jim Rice. Forget the fact that Rice played in a band box up in Boston and forget that he played in the American League. Rice had good number, I emphasize good. He wasn't the best at his position in the game when he played and he probably wasn't even one of the three best at his position in the American League. Rice falls squarely in the "pretty good" (which isn't bad) category, but not the Hall of Fame category. What makes me even hotter is the fact that it took Rice 15 years to garner the needed 75% of votes to be elected. So the writers are saying he is more worthy in year 15 than in year 7? I emplore the baseball writers to go to a one year review of whether you are Hall worthy then ship whoever doesn't make it to th veterans committee.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Couldn't they both lose?
Well, happy new year everyone and welcome back. As I blog this evening, I just finished watching the Fiesta Bowl between Texas (who won) and Ohio State. Both of these schools have great tradition, historically rich programs and good quality fan support with a passionate fan base for either side. Now that I have sufficiently stroked the egos of the collective fan bases, let me tell you how I really feel...
I sincerely wanted both teams to somehow lose. I really do not like either Ohio State or Texas, for the following reasons:
Let's start with Texas. First of all, let me just say that they are the other UT. If you are an alum of one historic UT program, you cannot cheer for the other one. It is like something you learn at freshman orientation. More upsetting to me is that Texas has zero originality in their marketing efforts. This is upsetting because they are Texas for God's sake - they should not copy anyone. And yet, I submit the following concerns...Have you ever looked on their sidelines and seen the white caps with the orange T and the orange bill? Do those look familiar? If you ever saw Bill Dance Outdoors in the '70s and '80s, you know that Tennessee originally had the "Power T" and sold those caps for years and Mr. Dance popularized them throughout the south. So, that is our damn Power T - it's been on our helmets for years after all. Second, they now have even begun playing a tune called the Tennessee March after each first down. Listen to it next time you see the shorthorns play and in your mind, spell out V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, go vols go after every Texas first down. Finally, in the coup de gras of all pitiful unoriginality, I was watching a Texas basketball game last year and outside of their arena they were flying orange and white checkboard flags. I was stunned to silence. Let us be clear here on some points about the famed orange and white checkerboard. Coach Doug Dickey first painted the checkerboard orange and white endzones at Tennessee in 1964. 1964 folks. They were still using lead based paint at that time. Since then, there have been some understandable wannabe frauds that have copied said genius (notably Northwestern and Fresno State). But, seriously, you are Texas. Have you no pride??? Even though imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - the unoriginality of such a storied and rich program is pathetic.
Now let's move to Ohio State. I actually used to like Ohio State, until I moved to the midwest. My hatred for them is pretty simple. If you live in any state bordering on Ohio, the amount of bloviation about Ohio State is just unbearable. I mean, if I hear that they are THE Ohio State University one more time, I am going to scream. Also, you call your band the 'best damn band in the land'. Really? They wear berets - period. Anyway, between the clearly blind band reference and the constant insistance on using THE, I am simply not a buckeye fan. Their entire act seems a bit pretentious, doesn't it?
Even with this clear dislike, I did find something that I like about each of the programs, and comparing those two likeable items, I feel Texas comes out on top. For Ohio State, I do enjoy the tasty peanut butter and chocolate buckeye treats served at their tailgates and that tend to show up at my office anytime any Big 11 team actually wins any bowl game (since Ohio State cannot seem to). I love these goodies, I must admit. I got some for Christmas actually.
For Texas, see below.
I sincerely wanted both teams to somehow lose. I really do not like either Ohio State or Texas, for the following reasons:
Let's start with Texas. First of all, let me just say that they are the other UT. If you are an alum of one historic UT program, you cannot cheer for the other one. It is like something you learn at freshman orientation. More upsetting to me is that Texas has zero originality in their marketing efforts. This is upsetting because they are Texas for God's sake - they should not copy anyone. And yet, I submit the following concerns...Have you ever looked on their sidelines and seen the white caps with the orange T and the orange bill? Do those look familiar? If you ever saw Bill Dance Outdoors in the '70s and '80s, you know that Tennessee originally had the "Power T" and sold those caps for years and Mr. Dance popularized them throughout the south. So, that is our damn Power T - it's been on our helmets for years after all. Second, they now have even begun playing a tune called the Tennessee March after each first down. Listen to it next time you see the shorthorns play and in your mind, spell out V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, go vols go after every Texas first down. Finally, in the coup de gras of all pitiful unoriginality, I was watching a Texas basketball game last year and outside of their arena they were flying orange and white checkboard flags. I was stunned to silence. Let us be clear here on some points about the famed orange and white checkerboard. Coach Doug Dickey first painted the checkerboard orange and white endzones at Tennessee in 1964. 1964 folks. They were still using lead based paint at that time. Since then, there have been some understandable wannabe frauds that have copied said genius (notably Northwestern and Fresno State). But, seriously, you are Texas. Have you no pride??? Even though imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - the unoriginality of such a storied and rich program is pathetic.
Now let's move to Ohio State. I actually used to like Ohio State, until I moved to the midwest. My hatred for them is pretty simple. If you live in any state bordering on Ohio, the amount of bloviation about Ohio State is just unbearable. I mean, if I hear that they are THE Ohio State University one more time, I am going to scream. Also, you call your band the 'best damn band in the land'. Really? They wear berets - period. Anyway, between the clearly blind band reference and the constant insistance on using THE, I am simply not a buckeye fan. Their entire act seems a bit pretentious, doesn't it?
Even with this clear dislike, I did find something that I like about each of the programs, and comparing those two likeable items, I feel Texas comes out on top. For Ohio State, I do enjoy the tasty peanut butter and chocolate buckeye treats served at their tailgates and that tend to show up at my office anytime any Big 11 team actually wins any bowl game (since Ohio State cannot seem to). I love these goodies, I must admit. I got some for Christmas actually.
For Texas, see below.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
FFF's Recession Survival Plan
In these difficult economic times, it can prove difficult to find reliable sources of income. Do not panic, the guys at FFF are here to help. Below are three failproof money making schemes that you can try.
(1) Become an NBA head coach - This is one job market that is hopping. I am sure that you (like myself) probably have paid zero attention to the NBA this year and that you also may question whether you have the proper qualifications for such a job. Those are really both non-issues. Ultimately, with already six new coaches named just since the start of the season, there is clearly a revolving door in this position and eventually there will be a spot for anyone remotely interested. The money maker here is really the 'buy out' clause within your contract. Get a good one drafted as part of your contractual agreement, as these jobs last about as long as high school love affairs. Also, if you feel you need some publicity, call Stephen A. Smith. He has reported on nothing of substance all year except for these 'who cares' coaching changes - so, he is your guy.
(2) Promote the guy who beat your ass. This is a genius scheme for sure. In case you missed it, last week Oscar De La Hoya got destroyed in a boxing match against Manny Pacquiao. Most watching the fight may have assumed De La Hoya is just past his prime - which is fair. I found other motivations today, when it was announced that Pacquiao has already scheduled his next big pay per view match-up against Ricky Hatton. Any guesses on who is promoting that fight? You guessed it - De La Hoya's 'Golden Boy' promotions company. This is a genius moneymaker. Take a nasty beating to prop up your client's publicity and then sign him for millions on the next fight. Golden Boy indeed.
(3) Sue NASCAR. Did you see the latest? NASCAR has decided to settle a sexual and racial discrimination case for $225 million dollars. My initial reaction to this is that you can slap my ass and call me Charlie and post clips of that online if you want, as long as the payout is $225 million dollars. Clearly, the charges are no laughing matter, but that is powerball type money. I mean seriously, if NASCAR has that kind of cash to pitch at a settlement, don't you think they should consider helping the big 3 automakers? After all, without the cars, the racing could really suck. Plus, better NASCAR saving their butts than you and I, huh? Oops - don't say NASCAR and butts in the same sentence. That could cost you.
(1) Become an NBA head coach - This is one job market that is hopping. I am sure that you (like myself) probably have paid zero attention to the NBA this year and that you also may question whether you have the proper qualifications for such a job. Those are really both non-issues. Ultimately, with already six new coaches named just since the start of the season, there is clearly a revolving door in this position and eventually there will be a spot for anyone remotely interested. The money maker here is really the 'buy out' clause within your contract. Get a good one drafted as part of your contractual agreement, as these jobs last about as long as high school love affairs. Also, if you feel you need some publicity, call Stephen A. Smith. He has reported on nothing of substance all year except for these 'who cares' coaching changes - so, he is your guy.
(2) Promote the guy who beat your ass. This is a genius scheme for sure. In case you missed it, last week Oscar De La Hoya got destroyed in a boxing match against Manny Pacquiao. Most watching the fight may have assumed De La Hoya is just past his prime - which is fair. I found other motivations today, when it was announced that Pacquiao has already scheduled his next big pay per view match-up against Ricky Hatton. Any guesses on who is promoting that fight? You guessed it - De La Hoya's 'Golden Boy' promotions company. This is a genius moneymaker. Take a nasty beating to prop up your client's publicity and then sign him for millions on the next fight. Golden Boy indeed.
(3) Sue NASCAR. Did you see the latest? NASCAR has decided to settle a sexual and racial discrimination case for $225 million dollars. My initial reaction to this is that you can slap my ass and call me Charlie and post clips of that online if you want, as long as the payout is $225 million dollars. Clearly, the charges are no laughing matter, but that is powerball type money. I mean seriously, if NASCAR has that kind of cash to pitch at a settlement, don't you think they should consider helping the big 3 automakers? After all, without the cars, the racing could really suck. Plus, better NASCAR saving their butts than you and I, huh? Oops - don't say NASCAR and butts in the same sentence. That could cost you.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Bailouts, Bowls and Backbone
After a long hiatus (I actually forgot my password) I'm back with the vengence of a coyote who hasn't seen a road kill in a long time. Three things that have been getting under my skin for awhile now are bailouts, bowls and backbone. All to variying degrees and for varying lengths.
Let's start with bailouts since I haven't gotten political on here in awhile (ever really), there is no way we should help to bailout the auto industry and everytime I hear one of the talking heads explain why we should I want to kick in my TV. Let me preface my remarks by saying I'm the biggest free market capitalist you have ever seen. If there were a complete opposite of Vladimir Lenin you are looking at him. I believe in Darwin economics, survival of the fittist company out there. If we keep bailing out the auto industry aren't we just a socialist country that subsidizes the auto industry? And if we subsidize the auto industry aren't we just curbing competition and creating a monopoly for the big three? Yes is the answer. Let 'em fail I say and maybe just maybe it will cause another business person to start their own car company (what a novel concept) and maybe create a company that doesn't gouge the public for all we are worth and put endless commercials on my kicked in TV. If we are going to bail the big 3 out the least they could do is give us a free car, right? Seems fair.
Okay now onto the bowls, I love 'em, can't get enough of them. I've often asked those who want a playoff system to go ahead and give me your dream version. If you had the power to create one tomorrow how would you do it. That eliminates about half of those out there because beyond wanting a playoff system they don't even know how they would implement one. Have it be 8 teams? Sure, but how do you decide on the eight? Give the six BCS conferences an automatic bid with two at large? Sure, let me know how that conversation goes when you tell Texas Tech or Texas or Utah or Boise State that two of you have no more games because there is no more room. Expand the brackets to 12 or 16? Absolutely, let me know how the conversation goes with the BCS conferences when you tell them to make a 12 or 16 team playoff work and have it conclude by baseball's opening day that you have to limit the regular season to 10 or 11 games and cost them the revenue from that 12th game in these economic times. Look, I understand wanting to have a playoff, its easy like playing the game memory on a glass table (think about that one). But, I for one would like to see Notre Dame at 6-6 take on a Hawaii team and see if Irish fans cringe with a loss (or a win for that matter). I like to see Les Miles take on a crafty triple option in Georgia Tech in their backyard and see if the mad hatter isn't truely half crazy.
Now to the backbone and I feel bad for piling on to the Auburn situation, but the AD there has to be spineless. I'm not going to condone or agree with what Charles Barkley said even if there is some truth to it. But, Tommy T. just got done beating Alabama seven years in a row before falling to them this year. I know this past game against Alabama was the worst lost in almost half a century, but if you are fans of college football you have to look at this from a whole. Seven years of dominance is pretty good. I mean the law of averages catches up to you sometimes. Even if you think Tommy's days are numbered can you really say as the AD that I made a better hire for the future when you pick a guy who is 5-19 in the Big 12 north? Its one thing if you play the triplets every year in the south (Texas, Texas Tech and Oklahoma), but when you play in the north and still only manage that record? Ouch. Nice job on winning the spineless award Mr. Jacobs you have earned it for not standing up and making the right choice, just the one you were forced to do.
Let's start with bailouts since I haven't gotten political on here in awhile (ever really), there is no way we should help to bailout the auto industry and everytime I hear one of the talking heads explain why we should I want to kick in my TV. Let me preface my remarks by saying I'm the biggest free market capitalist you have ever seen. If there were a complete opposite of Vladimir Lenin you are looking at him. I believe in Darwin economics, survival of the fittist company out there. If we keep bailing out the auto industry aren't we just a socialist country that subsidizes the auto industry? And if we subsidize the auto industry aren't we just curbing competition and creating a monopoly for the big three? Yes is the answer. Let 'em fail I say and maybe just maybe it will cause another business person to start their own car company (what a novel concept) and maybe create a company that doesn't gouge the public for all we are worth and put endless commercials on my kicked in TV. If we are going to bail the big 3 out the least they could do is give us a free car, right? Seems fair.
Okay now onto the bowls, I love 'em, can't get enough of them. I've often asked those who want a playoff system to go ahead and give me your dream version. If you had the power to create one tomorrow how would you do it. That eliminates about half of those out there because beyond wanting a playoff system they don't even know how they would implement one. Have it be 8 teams? Sure, but how do you decide on the eight? Give the six BCS conferences an automatic bid with two at large? Sure, let me know how that conversation goes when you tell Texas Tech or Texas or Utah or Boise State that two of you have no more games because there is no more room. Expand the brackets to 12 or 16? Absolutely, let me know how the conversation goes with the BCS conferences when you tell them to make a 12 or 16 team playoff work and have it conclude by baseball's opening day that you have to limit the regular season to 10 or 11 games and cost them the revenue from that 12th game in these economic times. Look, I understand wanting to have a playoff, its easy like playing the game memory on a glass table (think about that one). But, I for one would like to see Notre Dame at 6-6 take on a Hawaii team and see if Irish fans cringe with a loss (or a win for that matter). I like to see Les Miles take on a crafty triple option in Georgia Tech in their backyard and see if the mad hatter isn't truely half crazy.
Now to the backbone and I feel bad for piling on to the Auburn situation, but the AD there has to be spineless. I'm not going to condone or agree with what Charles Barkley said even if there is some truth to it. But, Tommy T. just got done beating Alabama seven years in a row before falling to them this year. I know this past game against Alabama was the worst lost in almost half a century, but if you are fans of college football you have to look at this from a whole. Seven years of dominance is pretty good. I mean the law of averages catches up to you sometimes. Even if you think Tommy's days are numbered can you really say as the AD that I made a better hire for the future when you pick a guy who is 5-19 in the Big 12 north? Its one thing if you play the triplets every year in the south (Texas, Texas Tech and Oklahoma), but when you play in the north and still only manage that record? Ouch. Nice job on winning the spineless award Mr. Jacobs you have earned it for not standing up and making the right choice, just the one you were forced to do.
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