The Prince of Pitchmen Passes

To the master of marketing products on TV; to the prince of pitchmen; to the sultan of sales; to the hulk of hucksters; we remember and honor tv pitchman, Billy Mays, who passed away suddenly this weekend. Mays was 50.

His booming voice; his trademark beard; his undying enthusiasm for margianlly effective house-hold products--an already struggling economy lost one of its brightest beacons. Mays made the peddler soul in all of us smile.

When St. Peter looks at his chart today, he will see Billy's name on the list and St. Peter will boldly proclaim....

"BILLY MAYS HERE....welcome to heaven."

An Open Letter to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper

Dear Mr. Prime Minister,



Because I didn't give a lot of money to the Obama campaign I can't present this request as the formal representative of the United States, but hear me out because do I have a deal for you. I am asking you to do a great service to your cousins to the south and that is to please consider taking the city of Detroit off of our hands. I'm willing to offer you the entire city, its inhabitents and its sports teams for nothing. Now before you say "yes" I want to just go over some aspects of the deal so we are on the up and up.

The motivation for this deal on my part or more accurately the straw that broke the camels back occured on Friday night after game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals ended. As a loyal Canadian I'm sure you either watched or at the very least know that the Pittsburgh Penguins won one of the best game sevens of all-time. I have no love for the Penguins, but facts are facts. After the game was over the traditional handshakes took place between the teams and I thought I heard what appeared to be booing. I come from an area of the country where booing is an art form at athletic events so I consider myself a conniseur of booing. At first I thought this was just angry Detroit fans booing the Red Wings for blowing a series that they clearly outplayed the Penguins in. However, the Red Wing players exited the ice and the booing continued. It continued through the presentation of the MVP trophy and through the celebratory skate around the ice that has become tradition for the Stanley Cup Champions to do. Now nobody likes for an opposing team/player to celebrate on your favorite teams home ice/court/field. But, in hockey Mr. Prime Minister as you know it has become tradition for the audience, whether they are rooting for or against the Stanley Cup Champion, to at the very least applaude the newly crowned champs. Obviously this did not happen.

This was it for Detroit in my mind, not only are they the recipients of the biggest welfare check in United States history (see the bailout of GM) they could possibly be the most corrupt city in America. I know this is a lot for you to take on, but you guys do have universal health care so you know about handling welfare for large numbers of people. If it will help to sweeten the deal I'm willing to throw in the city of Toledo, Oh as well. I know this isn't the Louisiana Purchase or anything, but it does expand your tax base and you get to replace the Expos with the Tigers, the Winnipeg Jets for the Red Wings, the Grizzlies for the Pistons and the Bills for the Lions. Okay maybe taking the Lions is too much we can move them to the Upper Peninsula and nobody will know.

Think about it Mr. Prime Minister and God save the queen.

I Just Can't Quit You

Honestly Brett, stop it with the annual domination of summer sports news. I personally could care less if you come back or not. Fact is, you are beginning to ruin your legacy by appearing to believe you are 'bigger than the game'. So, please, do whatever you want. Ride a tractor in Mississippi or throw a pass in Minnesota, but understand that there are several folks out in the world who could care less at this point. Seriously, six years in a row of making a media event of your retirement is a bit much. If you were a regular working man, they would have given you a steak knife set and sent you and your wife on a nice trip and that would have been it. Fact is, it is those regular working men who have now grown tired on your act.

NFLization of America

It would be too easy to use this blogging time to discuss my boy Greg Paulus and his sudden interest in becoming the Michigan quarterback. To turn down Coach K's offer of a seat on hi bench is akin to me telling the manager at Chick Fil A that I just want a salad today. It ain't a good idea and you just don't do it. Instead I want to address a far more pressing issue for sports fans around the country.


With the NFL draft rapidly approaching I want to discuss a threat so dire that mainstream media outlets dare not touch it for fear they will run afoul of the NFL's conduct policy and that's the NFLization of America. Believe it or not I coined that phrase.

To illustrate this point I take you back a few years when a friend of my friend made an offhand comment that just ruined my week a few years back. My beloved Phillies were in the midst of yet another 90 plus loss season and he said its alright because Philadelphia is really an Eagles town anyway. Boy that really burned me up, look I'm the biggest Eagles fan I know, but the Phillies have won two world championships since 1980 and last time I checked I didn't have any Super Bowl t-shirts with the Eagles logo on it. So if Philly is any kind of town it really should be a town dedicated to a team that has actually claimed the title "World Champion" at least once.

The look I shot this guy must have cut right through his being, but later I thought it wasn't him saying that, its what the NFLization has done to our psyche. The NFL has taken over everything related to sports. Its already a given that we talk about it every week starting with training camp and preseason games in August through the Super Bowl in, yuk, February now. Then we bleed into the combine, then the free agency period, then the draft and before you know it we are in the summer and training camps are about to start. It has become a never ending cycle that doesn't leave page one of the sports section. And for what? The NFL currently plays a 16 game schedule and yeah I know they are thinking of adding one or two games, but in the end we spend all this time talking about what will amount to at most as 16 regular season games now. All this time and attention focused on just 16 games. Its too much focus for just that few a number of games.

When you look at other professional sports like baseball, hockey and basketball you have at least 80 games to get excited about. There is no way we should devote this much time and effort to 16 appearances a year. I urge you to do what you can to keep your NFLization at a minimum, for the sanity of us all.

Rites of Spring

Well, I know the winter must be ending soon. There are some annual indicators that let me know the warmer weather is on the way. In our grandparents time, they probably looked to the blooming pear trees or listened for the sounds of songbirds returning to the air. For those of us in the modern day, there are two clearer indicators of spring that we can anticipate each year. First, is that every year at this time I read the same article about Kobe, LeBron, KG or some other straight to the NBA star and how they really wish they could have been in the NCAA tournament and that their only regret about having skipped college. The article is always the same - every year. The second sign of spring is that this is also the time of year when we hear the Cubs fans saying, 'this is our year', and '100 plus years of frustration is about to be over'. Let me tell you a secret Cubs fans - no, it is not your year. But, I do appreciate you letting me know the temperatures are about to turn for the better. I am ready for that.

Make Room for Greg Paulus

Its been awhile since I last posted, hopefully this makes up for the gap.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed the beat down of the Blue Devils last night as much as I did. Contrary to popular fandom I do not root (most of the time) for the conference in which my beloved Tigers play in. I don't subscribe to the theory that one should root for their "home" conference simply so they can make the point that their conference is the toughest or hardest one to play in. Rarely does that argument ever lead to anything except more arguing.

The biggest issue to come out of the NCAA tournament (at least last night) was the fact that Greg Paulus played his last game for the Dukies. Meaning just like every other guard that has played for Coach K he now gets his honorary assistant coaching job right next to the legendary coach. Needless to say the athletic department at Duke has been spending this entire past year trying to determine how they will add another chair and still keep the current student-athletes from joining the first row of the "Cameron Crazies". Believe you me, this takes some time and effort. So if you saw Chris Collins and Wojo looking to their left and right last night as the final minutes ticked away you know they were wondering which chair Greg would be occupying.

Jimmy Award Winner Number 3

Yes, I know that I have not posted in a while. I am sure you will get over it.

So, you all remember when Detroit was snatching up wide receivers like a fat kid on cheese curls? In 2003, they drafted Charles Rogers. The history is important, because Charles has not exactly had the most memorable of careers. Anyway, Charles was recently arrested for a domestic violence issue. He is serving his time. When he gets out, FFF will hand him our third Jimmy Award for this bit of self aggrandizement that appeared in today's paper:

“I’m just going to do my 10 days, get out of the court system and try to get in shape for a comeback,” Rogers said today in a telephone interview with the Associated Press from the Oakland County jail in Pontiac. “Am I sad about the way my life has turned out? No, because I know the strides I’ve made to take care of Charles Rogers.”

Congrats Charles - keep dreaming big man.

The lifestyle

You ever wonder how the swinger community got the rights to claim 'the lifestyle' as their own adjective? Seems a bit unfair to me. There are several types of living that certainly constitute a lifestyle, and yet if someone says anything about 'the lifestyle', it is assumed that they are talking about swinging. This is not a huge deal in everyday life for me, but if I were Amish, I would be pissed. To me, the Amish certainly commit to a larger change in actual way of life than swingers do. And yet you don't hear a whole lot of people saying, "hey, I noticed Jebediah's family bought a new car, and seem to be straying from the lifestyle".

The Bachelor

As I have mentioned before, as a married man who values family time I am prone to watch whatever my wife records on the DVR. Not a big deal. In fact, sometimes it presents me with the most amusing of life's situations. Such is the case with our families recent addiction to "The Bachelor".

Whether you have seen the Bachelor or not, you probably understand the basic concept. One guy dates several (I think it is around 30) women and weekly eliminates them until the final one is standing. It creates the perfect storm for a classic train wreck TV moment. The pending train wreck is why I find the show so amusing and entertaining each week. Actually, I figured out this year that I find the fans of the show even more amusing than the actual program. The show itself is fairly predictable when you think about it. Fun to watch, but predictable.

Before I go on, another thing that is important for background is that I have a Facebook account and keep in touch with many old friends this way. Because I have a Facebook account, not only did I watch the show each week this year, I also tracked my friend's "status updates" after each episode and almost without fail lots of friends on Facebook would post about the latest situation on The Bachelor. If you watched the show, you know that the Bachelor slept with at least 4 or 5 of these women. He did this on national television without apology and with everyone knowing that the same thing was going to be happening the next night with a different gal. Anyone see a concern? Anyone know anyone personally who has done this? Anyone even had enough guts to say out loud that you would like to do this? Well, maybe I should put it this way: Do you think the Facebook updates were calling him a male whore or pig or any other assorted descriptor of anybody on the street that would try to pull off such a thing? Oh hell no - don't kid yourself. People loved the guy. "The Bachelor is so sweet", "what a cutie the Bachelor is", "wow, the Bachelor is such a caring guy" were all standard types of responses that could be seen after the show aired each week. Are you confused? I am. In defiance of all standard social norms, why does the female population eat this stuff up only if its on national television and despise the entire male gender if such a stunt were done by someone they know? Don't hurt your brain pondering that, because I think we all know what happens next...

The Bachelor chooses a girl, proposes marriage, and at the first sign of trouble heads back to one of the other girls. The status updates explode!!! "What an ass", "The Bachelor is a jerk!!!!", "I never want to see this guy in person or I would slap him".

Ladies - what the hell did you think you were watching? He cashed in his morals when he signed up for the show. I knew that. It's why I watched. The trains were heading towards each other as fast as they could and the wreck was guaranteed.

As Denny Green would have said, "He is who we thought he was!!!"



- The other true gem from this year's show is that it produced our second "FFF Jimmy Award" winner. For those unaware of the Jimmy award, see the post dated December 16, 2008.

The second Jimmy Award goes to the Bachelor's 'victim' Melissa, whom he engaged and then left for cold. She seemed like a nice girl. Unfortunately, the Bachelor left her with nothing. Well, good news Melissa - you won the Jimmy Award.

Did anyone else catch it? At the point Melissa is fuming with smoke bellowing out of her ears, she went total third person for all the nation to enjoy. She looks at the Bachelor while she is telling him the reasons that she believes he sucks and says, "Because you chose Melissa, but you don't want to fight for Melissa." Congratulations Melissa - you win our second Jimmy. Don't spend all the prize money in one place. If you decide you must spend it all in one place - add another tattoo to your lower back.

My Problem with Naismith and Thoughts on Manny

Next week will be the first of March, so our collective sports focus turns to basketball and the fun of the tournament. Kansas is right in the hunt again this year and having a good season despite losing some stars from last year’s championship squad. Whether you want to or not (and most of us don’t want to), when you live in the Midwest, you hear a lot of chatter about Ohio State during football season and Kansas during basketball season. The Jayhawk faithful despise and look down upon anyone who does not embrace all of their traditions with fondness. From my observations, the first commandment for being a Jayhawk fan is to worship James Naismith as if he were a God. I want to point out a simple problem that I have had with Dr. Naismith for years, and I simply cannot get past. The fact is that I do not find Naismith to be nearly as admirable as whichever of his students decided to cut a hole in the bottom of the peach basket. That is really the person to admire and the history I find simply says it was a student. Just imagine if every time Kansas scored a basket, someone had to get out the ladder to get the ball.



Manny Being…Humbled…

Is anyone else as happy as me to see that teams are not lining up to try and sign Manny Ramirez to the money that he believes he deserves? Manny is truly a gifted talent, and as good with the bat as you will ever see. Maybe that fact is what makes his ‘bigger than the program’ attitude the saddest of all. Still, I am glad that the collective memory of baseball owners and GM’s is long enough to remember that if Manny decides your team has not given him enough money at any particular time, he will turn off the switch and shut down. Well Manny, it looks like there are not a lot of folks that are going to fight for your services, so you might want to think about that before you shut down next time. The rest of us will continue working our 9 to 5 for whatever we can fight and claw for and with the economy as it is, we will be glad to simply have a job.

Free Advice - Combine Week Edition

It is NFL combine week here in the Circle City, and FFF has some free advice for those that might be wandering around downtown. After a few years of watching combine weekend from a local perspective, I have found that there are essentially only three things you need to know for a successful combine weekend.

- If you see a guy who can run like Bo Jackson in Tecmo Super Bowl, draft him first.

- If you see a guy who hits like Tecmo Super Bowl Ronnie Lott, take him second.

- No, that slickster in the fancy suit with the two hot blondes is not a pimp, he is an agent. In his case, he makes money off the dude, not the ladies. Strange, I know.

Fox Sports or Animation Nation?

Are you looking forward to the Daytona 500 as much as Two Beer Jess? I doubt it, but just in case you were, here is something to turn your stomach. Did you see the latest plans for Fox Sports broadcasting? The link below details their plans to use "Digger" even further during their Nascar telecast.

Here is the release:

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/columnist/hiestand-tv/2009-02-11-fox-nascar-digger_N.htm

I realize that Rupert Murdoch built much of his broadcast empire on The Simpsons, and that he was selling animation long before he was selling Sean Hannity and the BCS. Still, the bleed over of animation to their sports broadcasts has gone way too far.

In baseball, they had Scooter. You know Scooter, right?



Scooter was the talking baseball that was used to try to make Tim McCarver seem intelligent. Scooter was eventually ousted when it was discovered that attempts to make McCarver seem intelligent were useless, even for an animated baseball. Scooter would come on and say things like "a curve ball is called a curve ball because it appears to move in a curve-like motion". Then, later in the same broadcast, with zero sense of irony, McCarver would opine to the viewers something like "an off speed pitch is usually just a dialed down fastball. It will make the batter swing too early because of the speed change". Wow - thanks Tim. Hey Rupert, in this case, bring back Scooter and ditch Tim.

In football, of course Fox continues to demand using the stupid Robot.



During the playoffs, I was actually planning to do a full blog on this damn robot, and then when searching for photos to use for the page (our viewers love photos), I realize that the robot maybe the most hated object on the internet. There are blog opinions galore on this thing. It's unreal. There is even more online venom for the football robot than the octuplet mother. So, I will leave all robot commentary to the others - but, let's just say that I think Digger and the gang will be more popular.

Which brings me back to Fox's newfound furry friend...

Message to Fox Sports. Enough already with the animation. You already have Darryl Waltrip in the booth - that is funny enough on its own.

Are they related?

FFF Debuts its...

“Separated at Birth” Series

Volume I

TV’s Norman Fell (aka Mr. Stanley Roper) and U.S. Senator Arlen Spector (R) of Pennsylvania.




























The Three Stooges’ Larry Fine and dry-wit comedian Steven Wright





















































NBA star and part-time Canadian Steve Nash and 1970s TV heart-throb David Cassidy.






































Network news anchor Katie Couric and game-show/talk-show hostess Meredith Viera

CNN’s Anderson Cooper of Anderson Cooper 360 and venerable star of the Muppets Show, Sam the Eagle

The best 30 seconds of your life

So, let's just say that you are a retired middle aged man (let's call you Morty), who moves from upstate New York down to Del Boca Vista in Tucson, Arizona. You gather with your other retiree friends to check out the Super Bowl game. As fortune would have it, somehow the team from Arizona has stumbled into the game, and so you and the other folks are pretty happy already. The game starts and goes along nicely. Then, in the second half, as Larry Fitzgerald breaks into the end zone to score a touchdown and make the game interesting, your television cuts to a 30 second clip of hard core pornography. Fantastic - Del Boca Vista erupts in cheer. Go, Larry, go. As if things could not get any better - I read today that Comcast now plans to give each of it's viewers in the Tucson area a $10 check to compensate them for the interruption and the inappropriate images that appeared on their screens. I hope you read this story, because honestly I still cannot believe that people not only got major network porn, but they have now been paid to watch it.

So, let me get this straight...the majority of viewers in Tucson not only would be old enough to have seen the original Heidi game, but they have now witnessed the most exciting 30 seconds in television sports history and they are getting paid for this? Awesome. Touchdown Cardinals.

Worst Day of the Year

It is National Signing Day. This is the only day of the year in which I am annually guaranteed to get my dander up.

Think about it...

If middle aged men fawn over high school girls, detailing stats, body type and physical abilities - they call that a felony. If the same men do the same thing with high school boys - they call it National Signing Day.

The last time I personally cared about a decision that a high school student was making was related to the prom.

Chip Off the Block

As I watched Pat Knight's inexcusable and childish display of anger last night, I was reminded of something his dad once said at one of his finer moments..."You've got a long way to go to be as good as your dad. You better keep that in mind."

The worst part for you Pat is that you don't have a great record or championship rings to protect you from the negative publicity. You better keep that in mind also.

Breaking News - Cutbacks expected in American bedrooms

Washington, D.C. (FFF blog) – On the heels of yesterday’s passage of the fair wages bill, the League of American Wives (the LAW) has today announced that they plan a large scale cutback on sexual activities within American marriages. Suzie Chapman, spokeswoman for the LAW claims, “as a result of American men now being forced to receive the same measly earnings that the ladies do, we feel it is important that they have as much energy as possible so that they can do more work. To further those efforts, we are recommending a full-scale reduction on sexual activities for all American wives.” It is thought that in many cases across the country, husbands will notice very little impact from the reductions. In other cases, this announcement could lead to very tough marital choices. John Duncan, of Plano, Texas and a married man of 20 years said, “If Jenny cuts back any further on our activities, I suppose that means I will be forced to choose between Valentine’s Day and our anniversary. That will be an extremely tough choice.” Government officials believe that the cutbacks should have no impact on activities at the White House, noting that any Presidential hanky panky was effectively eliminated with the choice to allow the ‘first mother-in-law’ to maintain residence at the White House.

In a related story, the Female Gold-diggers Union and male software engineers across the country have indicated that the fair wage act will essentially eliminate any desire or ability for members from either of these group to have sex with the opposite gender.

Reverend Jay McGwire

Hopefully you saw the latest Mark McGwire story. Who knew that his brother was a closet tele-vangelist? In case you did not see this, his estranged brother Jay McGwire has written a scandulous book about Mark's use of steroids. First of all, how interesting could this really be? I mean, it is clear to everyone with a decent set of eyes that he used steroids, so what is there to read about really? Anyway, when asked about why he was doing this, Jay McGwire responded by saying, "My bringing the truth to surface about Mark is out of love. I want Mark to live in truth to see the light, to come to repentance so he can live in freedom - which is the only way to live." Amen reverend, amen. When I saw this on the ESPN scroll tonight, I hit repeat on my DVR like 4 times. I mean, wow, somehow this guy we have never even heard about before just went totally Benny Hinn on his own brother. The truth shall set you free Mark, the truth shall set you free. Meanwhile, if the rest of us want to 'see the light', the book will be available soon at all major retailers. And if the book does not make him enough money, expect to see him on late night TV really soon.

It's the Hall of Freaking Fame, Not the Hall of Pretty Good

Anyone who can stand to spend time around me will hear this phrase come out, "It's the Hall of Freaking Fame, not the hall of pretty good". I pull it out this time of year frequently when they announce who is in and not in to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Every year there are the "for sure" former professionals that get in and nobody really questions their credentials. This year it was Rickey Henderson. Believe me laughable part of this process is coming up. In addition to the "for sure" guys there are always the pretty good players that prompt my infamous line from before. This year that pretty good player was Jim Rice.

Now let me be the first to admit that determining who gets into the Hall of Fame is a somewhat tricky task, especially when you are asked to decide on someone who played before you were even born. The system by which individuals are picked to the Hall of Fame is as mixed up as you would think it is. First, you have to be a member of the baseball writers association for over 10 years and must have covered baseball continually for at least that amount of time. That secures your life long vote on who gets in and who doesn't. Even after you retire from writing you keep your vote. That brings me to the next issue I have with the voting. As a former professional you are alloted a 15 year window duirng which you have the ability to achieve Hall of Fame status by receiving 75% of the vote. 15 YEARS!!!! If a guy is a hall of famer why should it take 5, 6, 11 or 15 years to confirm his status. Either a guy is a hall of famer or he isn't. Is a baseball player who has been retired 5 years any better 6 years removed from the game than 10? Which brings me mercifully to the subject of this post, Mr. Jim Rice. Forget the fact that Rice played in a band box up in Boston and forget that he played in the American League. Rice had good number, I emphasize good. He wasn't the best at his position in the game when he played and he probably wasn't even one of the three best at his position in the American League. Rice falls squarely in the "pretty good" (which isn't bad) category, but not the Hall of Fame category. What makes me even hotter is the fact that it took Rice 15 years to garner the needed 75% of votes to be elected. So the writers are saying he is more worthy in year 15 than in year 7? I emplore the baseball writers to go to a one year review of whether you are Hall worthy then ship whoever doesn't make it to th veterans committee.

Free advice

If you are in a strip club, and you see Pacman Jones...RUN.

Couldn't they both lose?

Well, happy new year everyone and welcome back. As I blog this evening, I just finished watching the Fiesta Bowl between Texas (who won) and Ohio State. Both of these schools have great tradition, historically rich programs and good quality fan support with a passionate fan base for either side. Now that I have sufficiently stroked the egos of the collective fan bases, let me tell you how I really feel...

I sincerely wanted both teams to somehow lose. I really do not like either Ohio State or Texas, for the following reasons:

Let's start with Texas. First of all, let me just say that they are the other UT. If you are an alum of one historic UT program, you cannot cheer for the other one. It is like something you learn at freshman orientation. More upsetting to me is that Texas has zero originality in their marketing efforts. This is upsetting because they are Texas for God's sake - they should not copy anyone. And yet, I submit the following concerns...Have you ever looked on their sidelines and seen the white caps with the orange T and the orange bill? Do those look familiar? If you ever saw Bill Dance Outdoors in the '70s and '80s, you know that Tennessee originally had the "Power T" and sold those caps for years and Mr. Dance popularized them throughout the south. So, that is our damn Power T - it's been on our helmets for years after all. Second, they now have even begun playing a tune called the Tennessee March after each first down. Listen to it next time you see the shorthorns play and in your mind, spell out V-O-L-S, V-O-L-S, go vols go after every Texas first down. Finally, in the coup de gras of all pitiful unoriginality, I was watching a Texas basketball game last year and outside of their arena they were flying orange and white checkboard flags. I was stunned to silence. Let us be clear here on some points about the famed orange and white checkerboard. Coach Doug Dickey first painted the checkerboard orange and white endzones at Tennessee in 1964. 1964 folks. They were still using lead based paint at that time. Since then, there have been some understandable wannabe frauds that have copied said genius (notably Northwestern and Fresno State). But, seriously, you are Texas. Have you no pride??? Even though imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - the unoriginality of such a storied and rich program is pathetic.

Now let's move to Ohio State. I actually used to like Ohio State, until I moved to the midwest. My hatred for them is pretty simple. If you live in any state bordering on Ohio, the amount of bloviation about Ohio State is just unbearable. I mean, if I hear that they are THE Ohio State University one more time, I am going to scream. Also, you call your band the 'best damn band in the land'. Really? They wear berets - period. Anyway, between the clearly blind band reference and the constant insistance on using THE, I am simply not a buckeye fan. Their entire act seems a bit pretentious, doesn't it?

Even with this clear dislike, I did find something that I like about each of the programs, and comparing those two likeable items, I feel Texas comes out on top. For Ohio State, I do enjoy the tasty peanut butter and chocolate buckeye treats served at their tailgates and that tend to show up at my office anytime any Big 11 team actually wins any bowl game (since Ohio State cannot seem to). I love these goodies, I must admit. I got some for Christmas actually.

For Texas, see below.