Hungry as a Bear....for Subway!

Dateline: Indianapolis, IN - Why? Because that's where Jared Fogle lives.

Anyway, if the northern lights shine brightly and you find yourself traversing the majestic pine-laden landscapes and maple syrup factories of our neighbors to the north (that's Canada for geography majors from South Carolina) and you crave a slice of Americana--one of those marginally satisfying Subway subs--take heed.

Beyond the risk of acquiring a drop-down menu's worth of health challenges and viral manifestations, the Surgeon General and Jared Fogle have advised North American Subway patrons to keep an eye out for "grizzly" customers displaying little patience and heavy-paw...I mean handed kodiak...err guerrilla tactics. If you happen upon one of these feisty Fogle furry foes, beware. And no, we are not speaking of the Hamburglar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjrI5ELkj3Y

Part-time Subway employee and full-time Napster aficianado, Tommy Hanson, 17, was startled by the developments captured on security video at his place of employment. "Work already stunk because I was on bathroom duty," said Hanson, whose Ipod exclusively plays Canadian classic rockers, Rush, and the theme to Hockey Night in Canada. "Now we have bears marching through our 'fixins' aisle. If a bear deficates in a Subway and no one is around, does it make a sound?" Hanson's smarmy remarks landed him on permanent bathroom detail although he raises a very existential question that would make Kafka proud.

At press time, the bear was last seen fleeing into the streets of Calgary after trying to turn in a roll of counterfeit Subway "stamps" at a Subway store in Banff. The stamps were confiscated once officials realized the frequent customer appreciation program went defunct several years ago.